Wishing

I still do things like hold my breath when I go through a tunnel so I can make a wish.  I'll make wishes other places too.  When I see the first star at night, when I blow out candles on my birthday cake, and even every now and then when the clock says 11:11.  Depending on my mood I'll wish for one of a few things: a teaching job, a good weigh-in, to live a long, happy life, etc.

I realized I wish for things that I think are out of my hands.  Some of the things I wish for are more out of my control than others.  I can't control how many music teaching positions are open for me to apply to.  I can control some factors, but I can't really control how long I live (although I can control how happy I am). 

I've been clumping my weight in with things that are mostly out of my control.  Somewhere deep down I must believe that I really have no control over my weight when, in fact, the one thing that is entirely in my hands is how my weigh-in turns out.  Yes, sometimes things get in the way, but I am ultimately the one responsible for my health.  I need to completely accept that and I will be a better person for it.

It's time to stop wishing and start working.  And if I do allow myself the occasional wish for weight loss after blowing out the candles on my birthday cake, I'd better not eat the whole damn thing.

I'll Do It Tomorrow

How many times have you told yourself that you'll start your diet tomorrow?  How long have you been putting off really pouring yourself into changing your lifestyle?  The time to procrastinate is over.  How do I know?  Because Blue-Cross Blue-Shield of Minnesota is telling you to.  And so am I.  Enjoy this commercial airing on TV in Minnesota.  Then get some exercise, eat healthy food in moderation, and start living the life you want to live.







By the way, where was I when they were casting this commercial? I'm fat and I can sing.

Weigh-In Results

Happy Monday everyone.  I was disgustingly sick last week, but I'm feeling significantly better this week. 

This is my first full week on weight watchers.  Keep in mind I was sick as a dog for the first half of the week and didn't eat a whole lot, so although I'd like to attribute a loss to weight-watchers, I think part of it probably came from yarking up any food I was trying to keep down.

Let's get to the numbers.

Sorry for the upside-down picture.  I guess I weigh h'1h2 pounds this week.

241.4!  I lost 8.6 pounds!  I'm going to chalk up half of it to counting points and half to being sick as a dog.  I'm back in a big way and I'm not stopping until I hit my goal weight of 196. 

Weigh-In Results

Sorry I didn't post this on Monday.  I've been curled up on the couch all week with a nasty stomach bug.  I didn't have the best start with Weight Watchers tracking because I wasn't really aware of what I was eating.  I'm positive I came way under on points though. 

So I'm feeling better and started tracking again yesterday.  I went three points over, but I'm so grateful to have my appetite back that I'm not worried. 

So here's what I weighed on Monday:

250 pounds.  It's more than I want to weigh, but I'm hoping to see that change this week.  I don't feel good enough for exercise yet, but I'm going to try to remain vigilant with my intake through the week and hopefully I'll see a fair loss on Monday.

Weight Watchers

I just joined Weight Watchers.  I've made the commitment to getting my intake under control.  No more binges.  It's time to lose some weight.

Weigh-In Results

I'm back.  And I'm struggling again.  This weight loss thing is not easy.  I have become a voracious stress eater.  I think it stems from two things.  Me dealing with Claire being sick (she's doing a ton better now, but I started stress eating when she went to the hospital and haven't cut back since) and dealing with not having found a job during the summer when schools hire teachers.  There's a lot to unpack with the second one.  I get into these spirals where I start questioning why I was laid off in the first place.  Which of course leads to me questioning my abilities both as a musician and as an educator.  I then wonder if I'll ever find a full-time teaching position and the best answer I can come up with is "Maybe, if you're lucky".  But then I start thinking, "Who would hire a music teacher who couldn't get hired for a school year?  Especially when jobs are so scarce and the competition is so fierce."  I start wondering what other professions I could go into and I start freaking out because I had to work really hard to get my teaching license.  I imagine what my life would be like if I couldn't make music every day.  Then I realize that at this point in my life, I don't make music every day and it kills me.

So... I eat.

And I gain weight.

And I go three weeks without blogging because I'm ashamed of what the scale says.

But the other day something happened.  Somehow I got out of my negative feedback loop and came to a realization: There are some things that are completely out of my control.  Such as which schools are hiring and the fact that if no one is looking for a music teacher, I'm not going to get a job this school year.  I need to accept these things and focus on things I can change. 

So what can I change?  How can I improve my life to increase my chances of finding the job I want? 

I can:
Start preparing for grad school by studying for the GRE and rehearsing audition music
Get treatment for my ADD (I've been off my meds for about four years now)
Get my website up and running again
Start substitute teaching in the Minneapolis School District on days I don't work at my paraprofessional job so I can get some recognition when I'm applying
And here's the big one: I can lose weight.  I need a win to get my self confidence up.  Reaching my goal of 196 would be a HUGE win for me.

So I'm going to try to get my shit together in short order here.  I want to update my blog more and eat less.  So let me start by giving you my last three weigh-ins.  Going from least to most recent.

So, I've been losing the past few weeks, but that was after a pretty significant gain.  I'm gonna start building again.  Weight loss is something in my power and I'm going to take advantage of that.