Cycles

A lot of cycles are negative.  After losing a bunch of weight a few years ago I stalled hard and got frustrated.  I started not caring about what I ate so I felt crappy.  I felt crappy so I didn't want to exercise.  I didn't exercise so I felt crappier.  I tried to eat my way out of feeling crappy.  Rinse, lather repeat.

But negative cycles can be broken and cycles can be positive.  I started exercising again.  I feel proud of my slow run so I control what I eat one day for dinner.  I feel a little more spring in my step so I go for another run.  I weigh myself and I've lost a couple pounds.  I'm more optimistic and motivated.  I order a salad instead of a burger when I go out.  I go for another run.  I have more energy.  I start noticing a positive change in my appearance.  And it keeps building.

You can turn your negative cycle positive.  Start with something small and work up.  Be proud of everything you accomplish.   First steps are hard, but each one you take is a foundation for a positive cycle.  

Couch to 5k

I'm giving couch to 5k another shot and I have to say, at week 2, run 2, I finally feel like I'm running instead of trotting.

90 seconds still feels like a long time when I'm running, it's hard to push the last ten seconds, especially when I don't know where they are.  It was definitely easier than it was a couple days ago when I did week 2 day 1.

Moving this big body is not easy, but I'm getting better at it.

Do you Haiku?

Bacon for dinner
Now I'm going for a run
That's all for today.

Monday Weigh-In

Hi All,

I've had a busy week and last week I was feeling frustrated with the weigh-in.



I gained 2.5 pounds last week.  Ugh.  Not a great way to restart a journey.

BUT...



This week I managed to lose 2.8 pounds!

So what did I manage to do right?

I ran several times.  Not as many as I would have liked, but I'm getting better at running.  Next run begins week two of Couch to 5k.

I've also been getting shit done this week.  I had my first week back with students (I'm a teacher if you're new to the blog).  Things are going pretty well, but it's tough getting back into the swing of things again.

I installed a ceiling fan in our nursery.  Also, the rat's nest of cables behind my entertainment center was bothering me.



So I fixed it by creating a false wall.



Yup, I wired that outlet myself.  Like a boss.

But most importantly, I captained the Starship Enterprise.



I did all of these things this week.  I am unstoppable.

Weigh-In

I put off writing this post for five days because I got frustrated.

I thought I was doing things right and was sure I would lose weigh.

But I gained a pound.  Last week was an anomaly.  I ate out a bunch and was very sedentary because I was very busy with work stuff.  This week has been a little different, I've been eating at home more, I exercised a couple times (which felt great).  and I've had a more regular work-day.  However, I can feel my appetite starting to come back.  I've got to watch out for that.

This weigh-in taught me that even though being on Concerta is controlling my appetite, I'm still not going to lose weight unless I work to buck my bad eating habits and get out and exercise on a regular basis.

I'm feeling less confident than I was last week, but as long as I take away the idea that my meds won't make me skinny by themselves and maintain the idea that I CAN make the changes I need, I'll be fine.

Here's to making changes!

I have not been eating well

This past week I've done remarkably little snacking.  I even forgot to eat lunch once this week.

I doubt tomorrow's weigh-in will show a loss.

Why?  Because I've eaten a lot this week.  I've not been exercising.  It boils down to me not having free time this week because of work and various other obligations.  But I have free time now.  So, internet, I'm going to get off my fat ass and go for a run.

First Weekly Weigh-In in a Long Time

First off, I forgot to eat lunch today.  Yesterday's post sums up my experiences getting back on Concerta.  I got so wrapped up in work today I completely forgot to eat.

I know it's not healthy to skip meals, but it's a hell of a lot easier than counting the minutes until it's socially acceptable to stuff my face again.

I'm hoping since the voice telling me to eat immediately has gotten a lot quieter, I'll be able to eat more fruits and vegetables and be satisfied.  I think I'm going to start counting calories soon, but it's so time consuming to enter them.  I suppose complaining about how fat I am is time consuming too.

A long time ago, I used to do weigh-ins on Mondays.  They kept me motivated through the temptations of the weekend and I wasn't weighing myself so much it was making me crazy.

Let's get those started again.

I can get behind 299.3.  Last Wednesday at the doctor I weighed 309.  Can I count that as a 10 pound loss?

Concerta

Recently I said I was going to be a dad in November.  Today Claire had her baby shower and we got to reveal that we're having a girl!  I'm a lucky man.

Doesn't Claire have a gorgeous baby bump?

Changing gears now.  Last Thursday I started taking meds for ADHD for the first time in almost 8 years.  The doctor told me that since I was diagnosed as a child it was a lot easier to start me on medication again and prescribed me Concerta, a time-release form of ritalin.  A lot fewer hoops to jump through I guess.  We talked about my weight as well.  He said one side-effect of Concerta is weight-loss and ritalin was actually used as a weight-loss drug, so we decided to wait until I'm acclimated to it and reassess the next time we meet.

So I went down to the pharmacy and got my prescription filled.  The next morning I started my first day of being treated for ADHD.  Here are some things I noticed:

I talk more on meds.  A LOT more.  Faster too.
Having ADHD and taking meds doesn't make the ADHD go away, it just makes some parts of your brain work faster to keep up.
I can finish a task.
It bothers me more when a task isn't completed.  I've been compelled to finish some things on my to-do list.  I also pulled out the oven and cleaned underneath it today, so there's that.
I feel jittery a lot.
I have trouble sitting still and not doing anything.
I have it on good authority that I'm more coherent when telling stories.
I have a much harder time realizing I'm hungry.

That last one might be just what I need to develop a healthy relationship with food.  Normally I have this compulsion to eat.  I can't stop eating until I'm stuffed.  It's like I don't have a shut-off switch.  Once I've started eating the urge to keep going is so overwhelming that I can't stop shoveling food into my face until I'm about to burst.  Since I started taking meds, I haven't snacked at all.  I have to learn to recognize other signs that I'm hungry in order to make sure I eat and stay healthy, but the compulsion to binge seems to be gone.

Now, I know it's early yet, but I think this is a good start.  I feel like this is how people who have healthy relationships with food feel.  I'm going to try to use this to develop good diet and exercise habits.

Hell, maybe I'll even be blogging more.

Counting Calories

I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  There's a lot of emotion tied up in it for me.  I'm most guilty when I get home from work.  I have a giant hole inside me and it needs to be filled with food.  If I'm not gorged after one snack, I need another, and another.  Until I'm filled with peanut butter and regret.

Today I downloaded My Fitness Pal for my phone.  Now, I've had MFP on my phone on and off for years.  If not MFP, then FatSecret calorie counter or LoseIt.  None of them have ever done a whole lot for me.

I'm not going to say it's going to be different this time, but I did manage to log everything I ate today and still come in under budget.  That plus a thousand calories lost on my bike commute today and I had a very good day today.  +1 momentum.  

Here's to tomorrow.

Some Exciting News

I'm just going to come out and say it; I'm going to be a dad!  Let me answer most of the questions I've been getting.  The baby is due November 28th.  We don't know the gender yet, we find out in ten days (on our anniversary, which is cool).  I go back and forth between hoping for a girl or boy (I didn't know people honestly asked that question).  Yes we were trying, mind your own damn business.  

I've had a lot of different emotions.  I've been mostly excited.  I've been contemplating what it means for me and my identity.  I've tried to imagine what interacting with my son or daughter is going to be like.  I've been moving between troubled and amused by how every girl's thing is pink (or maybe lavender) and boy things occupy every other color imaginable.  

I worry a lot too.

Will I be a good enough dad?  What if something goes wrong?  What if I do something wrong?  What if I pass on my unhealthy relationship with food?  What if I die young?

I always thought as soon as Claire got pregnant, I would magically find a motivation to start eating right and exercising.  And I am doing better.  I've been bike commuting about 10-15 (I like to take the long way home) miles a day, and I just finished day two of couch to 5k.  If I can keep that up and focus on my eating, I'll be in good shape, but it's not easy.  It's not easy.  It's not.

Losing weight is hard.  Was it this hard last time?  I don't remember it being this hard.

I have to do it though.  I want to live.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be there for my children and my wife.  The desire is there, I just have to make it happen now.  It's not just me anymore.

I'll leave you with a story.  A couple months ago a student said to me, "Do you have any kids?"

"No"

"Is your wife pregnant?"

"No" (we weren't telling anyone yet)

"Are you trying?"

"Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

"Because that's what people your age do."

My Facebook feed is evidence enough of that statement.  I'm one of those people now.  That's all for now.  

Writing Again

A lot of time has passed, and my last weigh-in was 303 pounds.  Ouch.  Total backslide and then some.

I've tried time and time again to be positive and optimistic, but every time I fall flat.  I've promised too many times that I'm going to be 100 pounds lighter a year from now.  So I'm not going to make that promise.  I'm not going to promise that I'm going to write regular entries in my blog.  

I will promise this.  I will try to be honest here.  Sometimes it will be venting, sometimes it will be planning, and more often than not, it will probably be rambling.  But maybe if I can get the negative out of me I can focus on the positive.  Maybe I'll even be able to change my life for the better.

Hopefully there will be more to come soon.  So stay tuned.

Confession

I've got a confession.  I ate a good chunk of a box of tag-alongs today.  I couldn't stop myself.  The rest of the week needs to be better.

T25

No, Shaun T.  I don't got this.

After a week off (hardly got started.  I know), I'm on my second consecutive day of t25.  My knees hurt and I'm shaky.  I found myself glued to the floor after a couple push ups.  I hope I can get my shit together before I fall apart.

Weigh-In

I finished my fourth day of T-25 yesterday.  I did a lot of the regular exercises instead of the modified ones.  I'd say I successfully executed 50% of the regular exercises 25% of the modified exercises, and stumbled over myself 25% of the time.  I did the core workout and there were a few exercises that required me to make myself into a V with only my butt on the ground.  I'm not balanced that way and would rock into an upper-case L every time.  I believe my center of gravity is somewhere in my head.

Today is STATurday.  Yup, T-25 has all sorts of handy made-up words to help me get fitergized.  STATURDAY is the day I'm supposed to take all kinds of measurements of myself.  I didn't do my waist or anything last week.  I think I'll start that soon.  I haven't weighed myself.  Maybe I should do that now...

...301.6.  NOPE.  I'm not gonna let that fly.  

I've put in the time on exercise, but I'm clearly showing I need to eat better.  A lot better.  

This is, by far, the most difficult part of losing weight for me.  I need to come up with a plan.

What do you do to make sure you're eating the right food and not overeating?

Starting Over

I did it.  I weighed myself.  295.2 pounds.  I've officially circled back.  I feel ashamed.  I feel frustrated.  I feel helpless.  I can remember that I was taking off 2-4 pounds a week, but I can't possibly see how it was possible.  I've gained it ALL back and I'm scared.  What if I can't do it again?  What if I get stuck again.  What if the weight never comes off and I die early, unhealthy, and miserable.  

I have to try again.  I don't know if it will lead anywhere, like all of the false starts I've had over the years.  If I don't try I'm fucked.  May as we'll give it a go and see where I can take it.

My wife bought me the beach body p25.  I completed the first workout tonight.  I did entirely the modified workout, but I moved my body for 25 minutes.  I'm sure I'll be feeling it tomorrow.  I don't normally buy into things like gimmicky videos, but I promised I'd give it a shot.  So here I am, spinning my wheels.  Let's see what I can do.