Counting Calories

I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  There's a lot of emotion tied up in it for me.  I'm most guilty when I get home from work.  I have a giant hole inside me and it needs to be filled with food.  If I'm not gorged after one snack, I need another, and another.  Until I'm filled with peanut butter and regret.

Today I downloaded My Fitness Pal for my phone.  Now, I've had MFP on my phone on and off for years.  If not MFP, then FatSecret calorie counter or LoseIt.  None of them have ever done a whole lot for me.

I'm not going to say it's going to be different this time, but I did manage to log everything I ate today and still come in under budget.  That plus a thousand calories lost on my bike commute today and I had a very good day today.  +1 momentum.  

Here's to tomorrow.

Some Exciting News

I'm just going to come out and say it; I'm going to be a dad!  Let me answer most of the questions I've been getting.  The baby is due November 28th.  We don't know the gender yet, we find out in ten days (on our anniversary, which is cool).  I go back and forth between hoping for a girl or boy (I didn't know people honestly asked that question).  Yes we were trying, mind your own damn business.  

I've had a lot of different emotions.  I've been mostly excited.  I've been contemplating what it means for me and my identity.  I've tried to imagine what interacting with my son or daughter is going to be like.  I've been moving between troubled and amused by how every girl's thing is pink (or maybe lavender) and boy things occupy every other color imaginable.  

I worry a lot too.

Will I be a good enough dad?  What if something goes wrong?  What if I do something wrong?  What if I pass on my unhealthy relationship with food?  What if I die young?

I always thought as soon as Claire got pregnant, I would magically find a motivation to start eating right and exercising.  And I am doing better.  I've been bike commuting about 10-15 (I like to take the long way home) miles a day, and I just finished day two of couch to 5k.  If I can keep that up and focus on my eating, I'll be in good shape, but it's not easy.  It's not easy.  It's not.

Losing weight is hard.  Was it this hard last time?  I don't remember it being this hard.

I have to do it though.  I want to live.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be there for my children and my wife.  The desire is there, I just have to make it happen now.  It's not just me anymore.

I'll leave you with a story.  A couple months ago a student said to me, "Do you have any kids?"

"No"

"Is your wife pregnant?"

"No" (we weren't telling anyone yet)

"Are you trying?"

"Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

"Because that's what people your age do."

My Facebook feed is evidence enough of that statement.  I'm one of those people now.  That's all for now.  

Writing Again

A lot of time has passed, and my last weigh-in was 303 pounds.  Ouch.  Total backslide and then some.

I've tried time and time again to be positive and optimistic, but every time I fall flat.  I've promised too many times that I'm going to be 100 pounds lighter a year from now.  So I'm not going to make that promise.  I'm not going to promise that I'm going to write regular entries in my blog.  

I will promise this.  I will try to be honest here.  Sometimes it will be venting, sometimes it will be planning, and more often than not, it will probably be rambling.  But maybe if I can get the negative out of me I can focus on the positive.  Maybe I'll even be able to change my life for the better.

Hopefully there will be more to come soon.  So stay tuned.