Today I am powered by baby carrots and hummus.  That is all.

Summer is Over

I started back at school yesterday.  I'm a teacher and I'm now in workshop week.  A week from Monday will be my first day back with students.  Summer is over and I have mixed feelings.  I of course feel like my summer break was too short, but I'm looking forward to developing a solid routine again.

I envision myself exercising right away after work.  I imagine that it will be easier not to snack when I'm not at home.  I imagine developing a better work-life balance than I had last year.  I want to do two things this school year.  1.  Kick ass at my job, and 2.  Lose a ton of weight.

I've got a really loud voice in my head though.  It's the voice that tells me to go get seconds even though I am full because that food was really good.  It's the voice that tells me going to the movies won't be as fun without candy and popcorn.  It's also the voice that tells me I'm never going to be able to lose the weight I need to lose in order to get healthy, so I shouldn't even bother trying.

Right now the voice in my head is saying, Yeah, you lost a lot of weight a few years ago, but you've gained it all back.  You've forgotten how to lose weight and you're never going to remember how again.  You're going to die early, you might as well enjoy this candy bar.  You're going to be too stressed once work starts to eat right and too tired to exercise.  You were going to focus on your weight this summer but you didn't.  You gained a TON of weight last year.  The same thing is going to happen this year.

Full disclosure: Sometimes I let this voice write my blog for me.  He's an asshole.

So here I am.  About to start a new school year.  I want to change everything, but the voice has been too loud.  I don't want to repeat last year, I've got one thing to say to that voice in my head:

You're not welcome here.  Fuck off.

How do I fix this?

I've been struggling a lot lately.  I've managed to gain back almost all the weight I lost when I started this blog.  I exercise a couple days a week, but not enough to make any progress.  My eating habits are abysmal.  

I feel trapped.  I feel stuck in some cycle from which I can't escape.  I know I lost a bunch of weight a long time ago, but I feel like I don't own that victory anymore.  That wasn't me, that was someone else who was able to focus on exercising and eating right.

Being a teacher, I thought I'd be able to dedicate my summer toward losing a bunch of weight.  That didn't happen.  I'm not any more motivated to exercise, I'm just more caught up on my Netflix watching.  I can't even get myself off the couch.

I weigh 292 pounds and can't help but think if I don't get my weight under control, I'm going to die early.  I'm going to have an uncomfortable and abbreviated existence.  That keeps me up at night.

So what do I do?  Every time I try to psych myself up to get on the right track, I fall off.  I give up.  I don't commit.  Something needs to change.  I need to fix this.  

Now.

Day 22

It's been a week since I've posted.  "Where have you been?" you might ask.  

At the effing gym.

That's right.  For 21 days in a row, I went to the gym or exercised in my basement.  I feel like a champ.

When I look in the mirror I still see the guy I saw three weeks ago.  That being said, I feel great.  I have more energy.  It's easier to get up in the morning.  I am actually enjoying going to the gym and moving my body.

I have been doing a great job exercising the past three weeks.  And while I'll be back at it tomorrow, tonight I'm taking the night off.  

Before I go, I wanted to share some great news.  When I started this blog, my wife, Claire, was in her first year of law school.  In November she was sworn in to the Minnesota State Bar Association as an attorney.  She has recently opened her own law firm.  Her practice areas are estate planning, probate, mediation, and family law.  Take a look at her website to find out why everyone should have an estate plan.  

Check out her amazing website at TralleLaw.com.

Wow, I'm not as good at doing this every day as I used to be

When I started this blog, I obsessed over it.  I wrote at least one post every single day and was absolutely obsessed with weight-loss.

In the past when I didn't blog it meant I wasn't exercising or eating right.  This time it's different.  This time it means I don't have time to blog because I'm exercising.

I've always been an all-or-nothing type of guy.  I devote all my energy to one project and then I burn out on it and give up.  I'm not very good at balancing my life.  I'm hoping this time's different.  I'm hoping to keep the fitness aspect of my life and also maintain a busier professional life and still have time for friends and family.

I may not lose as much weight, but hopefully I will be able to post consistent losses.

Back Online

So I bet you thought I had fallen off the wagon.  Nope.  My computer just happened to die a few days ago.  I haven't had time to fix it because I've been so busy exercising!

So what have I been doing?  I've been going to the gym.  I've been eating (marginally) better.  Today I let Jillian Michaels kick my ass.  I'm sore and shaky, but I didn't want to drive to the gym, and I may have gotten a better workout anyway.  I didn't like how she says ladies all the time.  Normally she's talking to the women behind her, but every once in a while she says ladies to the camera.

So how have I done weight-wise?  Let's check the scale.

I lost 3.2 pounds!  It's a great start on a very long road.  100 pounds here I come.

Day 5

I've just completed my fifth day in a row at the gym.  I'm feeling pretty good.  There's not any baggage yet.  I'm just going in and working out and that's that.  I haven't put any pressure on myself to have a good weigh-in.  Right now it's just about building habits. 

I also haven't been pushing myself that hard at the gym yet.  I've been doing 20-40 minutes on the machines every day, and some days I work up a pretty good sweat.  I'm a little frustrated I'm in worse shape than I was a year ago, but that is pretty easily canceled out by the pride I feel in actually following through and exercising. 

Yesterday I slowly and carefully jogged over icy sidewalks through Northeast Minneapolis because I didn't realize the gym closed at 8 on weekends.  It wasn't bad other than my undershirt riding up due to my upgraded belly size from when I purchased it.  I ran down a street that was full of old warehouses converted into artist lofts.  It was super cool.  All told, I "ran" just over a mile.

I've been trying to restrain myself when it comes to snacking, but I'm not beating myself up just yet if I do eat something I shouldn't.  I'm going to build a better me habit-by-habit and exercise is where I start.

I Guess I'll Do Some Winter Running

So yesterday I made a pretty brief post, but I did manage to spend half an hour at the gym.  I tried the treadmill at 10 degrees and 3 mph.  I used to do this every other day without any struggle at all.  Holy crap I had a hard time with this one.  I pushed through and managed only ten minutes.  I spent the rest of my time on the elliptical.

Midway through writing this post I discovered that the Y closed 20 minutes ago.  Shit.  Oh well...  I guess I'm running outside tonight.  19 degrees?  I can handle that. 

As I hinted at in my last post, I will be making eating a priority.  But first thing's first.  I need to make exercise a habit again.  Off I go.

This is why I'm still fat.

6% battery left on the laptop.  This is all you get tonight.

Day 2

So here we are, on day two of this new (old) adventure and I'm feeling good.  I knocked out my second day in a row at the gym.  I spent 40 minutes on the elliptical and burned 325 calories.  I brought along my Kindle Fire and watched a couple episodes of Portlandia on Netflix.  That made the time go by pretty quickly.  Also, I ran into Fancy Ray at the gym.

I'm optimistic, but I still know a lot can go wrong.  I think if I know I'm going to the gym every single day, it will make it a lot harder to skip.

One last note.  I logged on this evening and found six comments on my post from yesterday.  I can't begin to tell you how much that support meant to me.  When I posted yesterday I assumed no one read my blog anymore.  It's good to know I'm not alone and there's a whole community out there trying to do the same thing I am.  Thanks everyone.  We're in this together (even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes).

Trying Again

So I'm back.  At least, I'd like to be back.  I have some serious doubts about whether or not I can succeed this time, but I have to at least try. 

Over the past few months I have been engaged in the most spectacular backslide of my life.  As of writing this post, I weigh 285.4 pounds.  That's nearly a 45 pound gain from my low a couple years ago.  Nothing I own fits anymore.  My jeans hurt me if I wear them for more than a few hours, but I refuse to buy bigger pants.  I have been eating because I've been stressed, I've been eating because I've been tired, I've been eating because I'm ashamed of my eating.  I am bigger than I've been in a few years, and I don't want to be big anymore.

I don't have any new tools.  I don't have any answers.  I'm not an inspiration to anyone.  I'm just a fat guy who doesn't want to die in his 60s.

So where to begin?  I'm going to start using the gym membership I've dutifully held but seldom used over the past six months.  My goal this January is to do what I did three years ago: go to the gym every day for three weeks in a row.  Tonight marks the first of those visits.  I spent half an hour on the elliptical and three minutes on the stair climber (that thing isn't fun).  About 250 calories all told.  It's not spectacular, but it's a start.

Well, in the spirit of the new year, here's to new beginnings.