Here I Am Again

Sigh...

 I'm back where I started. 312 pounds.

I'm feeling thoroughly defeated. My wife and I had a talk last night. She's worried about my health. It's been on my mind a lot lately as well.

 I don't want to die young.   I don't want to have to spend a good chunk of my life dealing with complications from obesity.  I don't want to pass on my relationship with food to my daughter. So, reluctantly, here I am again. Trying to reflect on how to change for the better.

I don't have a plan yet, other than trying to write here from time to time.   I'm trying to keep my health in the front of my mind.  Looking back, I had so many times where I felt so committed.  I don't feel committed now.   I feel like shit.  I'm not hopeful, I'm not happy, I'm feeling absolutely worn down.

However (you were waiting for that, weren't you?), I have a window.  My teaching job is winding down for the summer.  I'm about to begin summer school.

Summer school is awesome. I teach for 6 hours a day, bike to work, get a few hefty paychecks, and get to hang out and play guitar all day.   It's a great gig!  Life is easier for me in the summer.  So there's room, time-wise and emotionally, to focus on my health.

 I want to change, but there's a voice in my head telling me I'm going to fuck it up.  Shut up, voice.