Weigh-In

I finished my fourth day of T-25 yesterday.  I did a lot of the regular exercises instead of the modified ones.  I'd say I successfully executed 50% of the regular exercises 25% of the modified exercises, and stumbled over myself 25% of the time.  I did the core workout and there were a few exercises that required me to make myself into a V with only my butt on the ground.  I'm not balanced that way and would rock into an upper-case L every time.  I believe my center of gravity is somewhere in my head.

Today is STATurday.  Yup, T-25 has all sorts of handy made-up words to help me get fitergized.  STATURDAY is the day I'm supposed to take all kinds of measurements of myself.  I didn't do my waist or anything last week.  I think I'll start that soon.  I haven't weighed myself.  Maybe I should do that now...

...301.6.  NOPE.  I'm not gonna let that fly.  

I've put in the time on exercise, but I'm clearly showing I need to eat better.  A lot better.  

This is, by far, the most difficult part of losing weight for me.  I need to come up with a plan.

What do you do to make sure you're eating the right food and not overeating?

Starting Over

I did it.  I weighed myself.  295.2 pounds.  I've officially circled back.  I feel ashamed.  I feel frustrated.  I feel helpless.  I can remember that I was taking off 2-4 pounds a week, but I can't possibly see how it was possible.  I've gained it ALL back and I'm scared.  What if I can't do it again?  What if I get stuck again.  What if the weight never comes off and I die early, unhealthy, and miserable.  

I have to try again.  I don't know if it will lead anywhere, like all of the false starts I've had over the years.  If I don't try I'm fucked.  May as we'll give it a go and see where I can take it.

My wife bought me the beach body p25.  I completed the first workout tonight.  I did entirely the modified workout, but I moved my body for 25 minutes.  I'm sure I'll be feeling it tomorrow.  I don't normally buy into things like gimmicky videos, but I promised I'd give it a shot.  So here I am, spinning my wheels.  Let's see what I can do.

Today I am powered by baby carrots and hummus.  That is all.

Summer is Over

I started back at school yesterday.  I'm a teacher and I'm now in workshop week.  A week from Monday will be my first day back with students.  Summer is over and I have mixed feelings.  I of course feel like my summer break was too short, but I'm looking forward to developing a solid routine again.

I envision myself exercising right away after work.  I imagine that it will be easier not to snack when I'm not at home.  I imagine developing a better work-life balance than I had last year.  I want to do two things this school year.  1.  Kick ass at my job, and 2.  Lose a ton of weight.

I've got a really loud voice in my head though.  It's the voice that tells me to go get seconds even though I am full because that food was really good.  It's the voice that tells me going to the movies won't be as fun without candy and popcorn.  It's also the voice that tells me I'm never going to be able to lose the weight I need to lose in order to get healthy, so I shouldn't even bother trying.

Right now the voice in my head is saying, Yeah, you lost a lot of weight a few years ago, but you've gained it all back.  You've forgotten how to lose weight and you're never going to remember how again.  You're going to die early, you might as well enjoy this candy bar.  You're going to be too stressed once work starts to eat right and too tired to exercise.  You were going to focus on your weight this summer but you didn't.  You gained a TON of weight last year.  The same thing is going to happen this year.

Full disclosure: Sometimes I let this voice write my blog for me.  He's an asshole.

So here I am.  About to start a new school year.  I want to change everything, but the voice has been too loud.  I don't want to repeat last year, I've got one thing to say to that voice in my head:

You're not welcome here.  Fuck off.

How do I fix this?

I've been struggling a lot lately.  I've managed to gain back almost all the weight I lost when I started this blog.  I exercise a couple days a week, but not enough to make any progress.  My eating habits are abysmal.  

I feel trapped.  I feel stuck in some cycle from which I can't escape.  I know I lost a bunch of weight a long time ago, but I feel like I don't own that victory anymore.  That wasn't me, that was someone else who was able to focus on exercising and eating right.

Being a teacher, I thought I'd be able to dedicate my summer toward losing a bunch of weight.  That didn't happen.  I'm not any more motivated to exercise, I'm just more caught up on my Netflix watching.  I can't even get myself off the couch.

I weigh 292 pounds and can't help but think if I don't get my weight under control, I'm going to die early.  I'm going to have an uncomfortable and abbreviated existence.  That keeps me up at night.

So what do I do?  Every time I try to psych myself up to get on the right track, I fall off.  I give up.  I don't commit.  Something needs to change.  I need to fix this.  

Now.

Day 22

It's been a week since I've posted.  "Where have you been?" you might ask.  

At the effing gym.

That's right.  For 21 days in a row, I went to the gym or exercised in my basement.  I feel like a champ.

When I look in the mirror I still see the guy I saw three weeks ago.  That being said, I feel great.  I have more energy.  It's easier to get up in the morning.  I am actually enjoying going to the gym and moving my body.

I have been doing a great job exercising the past three weeks.  And while I'll be back at it tomorrow, tonight I'm taking the night off.  

Before I go, I wanted to share some great news.  When I started this blog, my wife, Claire, was in her first year of law school.  In November she was sworn in to the Minnesota State Bar Association as an attorney.  She has recently opened her own law firm.  Her practice areas are estate planning, probate, mediation, and family law.  Take a look at her website to find out why everyone should have an estate plan.  

Check out her amazing website at TralleLaw.com.

Wow, I'm not as good at doing this every day as I used to be

When I started this blog, I obsessed over it.  I wrote at least one post every single day and was absolutely obsessed with weight-loss.

In the past when I didn't blog it meant I wasn't exercising or eating right.  This time it's different.  This time it means I don't have time to blog because I'm exercising.

I've always been an all-or-nothing type of guy.  I devote all my energy to one project and then I burn out on it and give up.  I'm not very good at balancing my life.  I'm hoping this time's different.  I'm hoping to keep the fitness aspect of my life and also maintain a busier professional life and still have time for friends and family.

I may not lose as much weight, but hopefully I will be able to post consistent losses.