Feeling Better

Since I posted my first update in recent history I've been feeling better.  I think I've made some better choices when it comes to food, and have been generally more aware of my intake and activity levels.

I think a big part of that is writing again.  I've been accumulating all this garbage that didn't have anywhere to go until I dumped it all out on the internet. 

Writing again also forces me to reflect.  What's going well?  What's not?  It's a lot harder to sweep problems under the rug when I'm talking about them every day.

So I'm going to try to keep on keeping on.  I'll do my best to keep conscious of the decisions I make that impact my health.  Now to actually lose some weight.

Full disclosure: I made myself a cookie in a cup last night.  I regret nothing.

8 Reasons This Guy Gained Back All The Weight - Number 6 Blew My Mind

Yesterday some jerk had the nerve to ask me why I gained back all the weight I'd lost.  These issues can be really hard to deal with, and I don't want to bog you down with my own baggage.  So I thought I'd lighten it up a bit.

The average person on the internet has the attention span of a yellow lab.  Myself included.  So I thought if... SQUIRREL.

What was I saying?  Oh yeah.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  BuzzFeed, eat your heart out.  Here are the 10 Reasons I gained back all the weight, in the most annoying infotaining way possible.

1.  Making Excuses



I can't exercise today.  It's raining.  My feet hurt.  I have too much on my plate.  It's too late.  It's just a little chocolate.  Well, I already had one, may as well make it a pair.  I already ate a bunch of chocolate, a little more won't hurt.  I need the energy today.


I'm exceedingly good at getting in my own way.  I keep trying to hold myself accountable, but cognitive dissonance is a powerful thing.


2.  Letting Past Failures (and successes) Get In My Way


I've been at this weight-loss thing for a long time.  I've had a lot of victories and a lot of defeats.  They become baggage sometimes.  That voice in the back of my head telling me I have to start all over KILLS my motivation.

3.  Letting Pastries Get In My Way



Just kidding.


4.  Emotional Eating


I'm someone who eats his feelings.  Happy?  I'll eat.  Sad?  You better believe I'll eat.  Bored?  What better cure than stuffing myself?  Food kind of becomes a medication for me.

5.  Not Making Exercise A Priority


I've talked myself out of exercising so many times.  I have been paying $40 a month for a gym membership I haven't used since February.  Even when I do go, my heart hasn't been in it.  Not cool.

6.  Having A Baby



In November my wife and I had a baby.  It's been an amazing experience.  My daughter is amazing.  I didn't realize I could love someone the way I love her.  Seeing her as a mother has also made me fall more deeply in love with my wife.


However, anyone who has ever had a kid will tell you it's a ton of work.  The first couple months were especially tough.  Life was kind of a blur where I was shoving shit in my face to stay awake.  When my daughter started sleeping through the night, I realized I had gained about 12 pounds in three months.

7.  Treating Food As A Reward


 
I had a rough day at work. I deserve ice cream.  I just finished the spring concert.  Let's go out for dinner!  I lost a pound.  Let's get chips with our burritos.  Rewards don't work anyway and I should decouple food from success and failure.  Alfie Kohn, if you're reading this, I've let you down. 

8.  Not Giving A Shit



File this one under having other things on my mind.  I've been busy, stressed, and stretched out and my own health has become the lowest priority.

I've gotten to the point where I don't want to have to think about my weight.  I don't want to worry about my health.  I don't want to worry about how I'm perceived in society.  So I don't.  I turn it off.

Dealing With Disappointment

Hey Andrew, what happened?  How did you gain all that weight back?

Shut your damn mouth, hypothetical questioner.  Mind your own business.

What's that?  You're just a writing device I'm using to bring up a topic in a more interesting way?  Sorry I snapped.  I'm just feeling a little sensitive about my weight.  I might not have the most healthy body image right now and confronting my weight candidly is still really hard.  Maybe that's why it's more important than ever to write about it.

I feel like attributing reasons for gaining weight is making excuses.  I'm responsible for everything I do.  I need to be candid and compassionate simultaneously.

So what better way to explain my backslide than a BuzzFeed style list, complete with a click bait title?  Stay tuned.

Here I Am Again

Sigh...

 I'm back where I started. 312 pounds.

I'm feeling thoroughly defeated. My wife and I had a talk last night. She's worried about my health. It's been on my mind a lot lately as well.

 I don't want to die young.   I don't want to have to spend a good chunk of my life dealing with complications from obesity.  I don't want to pass on my relationship with food to my daughter. So, reluctantly, here I am again. Trying to reflect on how to change for the better.

I don't have a plan yet, other than trying to write here from time to time.   I'm trying to keep my health in the front of my mind.  Looking back, I had so many times where I felt so committed.  I don't feel committed now.   I feel like shit.  I'm not hopeful, I'm not happy, I'm feeling absolutely worn down.

However (you were waiting for that, weren't you?), I have a window.  My teaching job is winding down for the summer.  I'm about to begin summer school.

Summer school is awesome. I teach for 6 hours a day, bike to work, get a few hefty paychecks, and get to hang out and play guitar all day.   It's a great gig!  Life is easier for me in the summer.  So there's room, time-wise and emotionally, to focus on my health.

 I want to change, but there's a voice in my head telling me I'm going to fuck it up.  Shut up, voice.