I know, this isn't a journey that's going to be traveled in a week, but I was hoping I'd be able to chip away a little at my weight just by making smarter choices.
I could beat myself up and tell myself nothing I do will change that number, which I know isn't true. I am beating myself up though, so I need to redirect.
Here are a couple reasons why the scale said what it did.
I didn't take a before weight. I was going on memory from a couple weeks ago when I said I weighed 312. I could have weighed 315 pounds last week for all I know.
I weighed myself without consideration for what time of day it was and when I ate.
I was wearing a lot of heavy clothes, which I may not have the last weigh-in.
These aren't excuses. They're variables I need to get better at. The scale is a cruel, inconsistent bitch. If I minimize some variation, I can make things a little more consistent so I'm not torturing myself.
I'd like to focus on a non-scale victory. I feel good. I'm not bogged down by heavier foods and I'm getting my baggage out of my brain and onto the internet. For now, things are pretty good.
Since I was about 14, I've had problems with my feet. First off, they smell terrible. Much worse than average. My armpits only smell bad when I've gone a few days without a shower, but make sure you aren't around when I take my shoes off.
I had a lot of trouble with ingrown toenails in high school. They hurt, they got infected, and they made my gross feet even grosser. I had four or five surgeries to fix the problem, all of which ended with a prescription for Tylenol 3, which is a little heavier duty than the over the counter stuff. My left big toenail is permanently jacked up from the podiatrist killing the nailed on the borders. It kinda looks like a claw now.
My feet are also abnormally wide. On some shoes, I can squeak I to a size 12 EEEE. I hate how hard it is to find shoes. It's so hard.
I'm pretty sure being overweight is what turned my feet into pancakes. I'm also pretty sure they're always going to be wide and gross, and I'm okay with that.
What I'm not okay with is how much pain they've been in lately. Seriously, they ache all the time. When I wake up in the morning they are screaming at me not to put weight on them. It gets better after I stretch them out for a little bit, but it totally sucks. Totally sucks.
So I switched shoes, I'm trying to stay off my feet whenever I can, I'm using a little foot massaging robot I got for Claire when she was pregnant. Nothing seems to be working. I know the answer is lose weight, but it's kind of a catch-22 because I need to be really careful about how my exercise is impacting my tootsies.
I've suspected for a while that I have a short window before my weight starts seriously impacting my quality of life. Right now (for the most part) I can do anything someone half my weight can do. I may have to slow down for some of it, but overall, I'm pretty healthy. This is going to change and it's going to be bad unless I can get my house in order.
Feet, I promise to treat you better from here on out.
On Friday we packed up the car and headed north to Duluth, Minnesota.
My friend Nolan was getting married and the wife and I took the day off work to go to the wedding. We had a great time. The ceremony was up on a hillside and had an amazing view of the harbor. As both the bride and groom are finishing masters programs in music, there was really great music at ceremony and the reception. I played name that tune with some friends while the jazz trio played. Nothing like a bunch of music teachers trying to out-music each other. Overall, it was a really great night and I couldn't be happier for the bride and groom.
Some highlights of the night:
I never once felt stuffed
I passed on seconds at the buffet, though the food was AMAZING!
I only had one beer.
Some things that could have gone better:
I forgot a belt and my pants kept falling down. Luckily the reception venue was very close to the Duluth Trading Company where I paid way too much for a belt. So for the rest of the evening, instead of being preoccupied with my pants falling down, I was preoccupied with how much I paid for that damn belt.
They had a sweet and salty bar. I probably ate too much candy.
I really tried to eat healthier on this trip. We went to Subway over Culvers or DQ on the ride up. I purposely let myself be hungry a couple times. I just kept reminding myself it was okay to feel hungry. The rest of my body felt fine, but that hunger really bothered me. I had a burger and fries on Saturday for lunch, but I'm not concerned about one meal. My problem is EVERY meal (and between meals, come to think of it).
Bottom line, I'm proud of the choices I made on the trip. I'm also proud of this little cutie who traveled amazingly well.
Since I posted my first update in recent history I've been feeling better. I think I've made some better choices when it comes to food, and have been generally more aware of my intake and activity levels.
I think a big part of that is writing again. I've been accumulating all this garbage that didn't have anywhere to go until I dumped it all out on the internet.
Writing again also forces me to reflect. What's going well? What's not? It's a lot harder to sweep problems under the rug when I'm talking about them every day.
So I'm going to try to keep on keeping on. I'll do my best to keep conscious of the decisions I make that impact my health. Now to actually lose some weight.
Full disclosure: I made myself a cookie in a cup last night. I regret nothing.
Yesterday some jerk had the nerve to ask me why I gained back all the weight I'd lost. These issues can be really hard to deal with, and I don't want to bog you down with my own baggage. So I thought I'd lighten it up a bit.
The average person on the internet has the attention span of a yellow lab. Myself included. So I thought if... SQUIRREL.
What was I saying? Oh yeah. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. BuzzFeed, eat your heart out. Here are the 10 Reasons I gained back all the weight, in the most annoying infotaining way possible. 1. Making Excuses
I can't exercise today. It's raining. My feet hurt. I have too much on my plate. It's too late. It's just a little chocolate. Well, I already had one, may as well make it a pair. I already ate a bunch of chocolate, a little more won't hurt. I need the energy today.
I'm exceedingly good at getting in my own way. I keep trying to hold myself accountable, but cognitive dissonance is a powerful thing.
2. Letting Past Failures (and successes) Get In My Way
I've been at this weight-loss thing for a long time. I've had a lot of victories and a lot of defeats. They become baggage sometimes. That voice in the back of my head telling me I have to start all over KILLS my motivation.
3. Letting Pastries Get In My Way
Just kidding.
4. Emotional Eating
I'm someonewho eats his feelings. Happy? I'll eat. Sad? You better believe I'll eat. Bored? What better cure than stuffing myself? Food kind of becomes a medication for me.
5. Not Making Exercise A Priority
I've talked myself out of exercising so many times. I have been paying $40 a month for a gym membership I haven't used since February. Even when I do go, my heart hasn't been in it. Not cool.
6. Having A Baby
In November my wife and I had a baby. It's been an amazing experience. My daughter is amazing. I didn't realize I could love someone the way I love her. Seeing her as a mother has also made me fall more deeply in love with my wife.
However, anyone who has ever had a kid will tell you it's a ton of work. The first couple months were especially tough. Life was kind of a blur where I was shoving shit in my face to stay awake. When my daughter started sleeping through the night, I realized I had gained about 12 pounds in three months.
7. Treating Food As A Reward
I had a rough day at work. I deserve ice cream. I just finished the spring concert. Let's go out for dinner! I lost a pound. Let's get chips with our burritos. Rewards don't work anyway and I should decouple food from success and failure. Alfie Kohn, if you're reading this, I've let you down.
8. Not Giving A Shit
File this one under having other things on my mind. I've been busy, stressed, and stretched out and my own health has become the lowest priority.
I've gotten to the point where I don't want to have to think about my weight. I don't want to worry about my health. I don't want to worry about how I'm perceived in society. So I don't. I turn it off.
Hey Andrew, what happened? How did you gain all that weight back?
Shut your damn mouth, hypothetical questioner. Mind your own business.
What's that? You're just a writing device I'm using to bring up a topic in a more interesting way? Sorry I snapped. I'm just feeling a little sensitive about my weight. I might not have the most healthy body image right now and confronting my weight candidly is still really hard. Maybe that's why it's more important than ever to write about it.
I feel like attributing reasons for gaining weight is making excuses. I'm responsible for everything I do. I need to be candid and compassionate simultaneously.
So what better way to explain my backslide than a BuzzFeed style list, complete with a click bait title? Stay tuned.
I'm feeling thoroughly defeated.
My wife and I had a talk last night. She's worried about my health. It's been on my mind a lot lately as well.
I don't want to die young.
I don't want to have to spend a good chunk of my life dealing with complications from obesity.
I don't want to pass on my relationship with food to my daughter.
So, reluctantly, here I am again. Trying to reflect on how to change for the better.
I don't have a plan yet, other than trying to write here from time to time. I'm trying to keep my health in the front of my mind.
Looking back, I had so many times where I felt so committed. I don't feel committed now. I feel like shit. I'm not hopeful, I'm not happy, I'm feeling absolutely worn down.
However (you were waiting for that, weren't you?), I have a window. My teaching job is winding down for the summer. I'm about to begin summer school.
Summer school is awesome. I teach for 6 hours a day, bike to work, get a few hefty paychecks, and get to hang out and play guitar all day. It's a great gig!
Life is easier for me in the summer. So there's room, time-wise and emotionally, to focus on my health.
I want to change, but there's a voice in my head telling me I'm going to fuck it up.
Shut up, voice.
