I'm back. And I'm struggling again. This weight loss thing is not easy. I have become a voracious stress eater. I think it stems from two things. Me dealing with Claire being sick (she's doing a ton better now, but I started stress eating when she went to the hospital and haven't cut back since) and dealing with not having found a job during the summer when schools hire teachers. There's a lot to unpack with the second one. I get into these spirals where I start questioning why I was laid off in the first place. Which of course leads to me questioning my abilities both as a musician and as an educator. I then wonder if I'll ever find a full-time teaching position and the best answer I can come up with is "Maybe, if you're lucky". But then I start thinking, "Who would hire a music teacher who couldn't get hired for a school year? Especially when jobs are so scarce and the competition is so fierce." I start wondering what other professions I could go into and I start freaking out because I had to work really hard to get my teaching license. I imagine what my life would be like if I couldn't make music every day. Then I realize that at this point in my life, I don't make music every day and it kills me.
So... I eat.
And I gain weight.
And I go three weeks without blogging because I'm ashamed of what the scale says.
But the other day something happened. Somehow I got out of my negative feedback loop and came to a realization: There are some things that are completely out of my control. Such as which schools are hiring and the fact that if no one is looking for a music teacher, I'm not going to get a job this school year. I need to accept these things and focus on things I can change.
So what can I change? How can I improve my life to increase my chances of finding the job I want?
Start preparing for grad school by studying for the GRE and rehearsing audition music
Get treatment for my ADD (I've been off my meds for about four years now)
Get my website up and running again
Start substitute teaching in the Minneapolis School District on days I don't work at my paraprofessional job so I can get some recognition when I'm applying
And here's the big one: I can lose weight. I need a win to get my self confidence up. Reaching my goal of 196 would be a HUGE win for me.
So I'm going to try to get my shit together in short order here. I want to update my blog more and eat less. So let me start by giving you my last three weigh-ins. Going from least to most recent.