I'm back where I started. 312 pounds.
I'm feeling thoroughly defeated.
My wife and I had a talk last night. She's worried about my health. It's been on my mind a lot lately as well.
I don't want to die young.
I don't want to have to spend a good chunk of my life dealing with complications from obesity.
I don't want to pass on my relationship with food to my daughter.
So, reluctantly, here I am again. Trying to reflect on how to change for the better.
I don't have a plan yet, other than trying to write here from time to time. I'm trying to keep my health in the front of my mind.
Looking back, I had so many times where I felt so committed. I don't feel committed now. I feel like shit. I'm not hopeful, I'm not happy, I'm feeling absolutely worn down.
However (you were waiting for that, weren't you?), I have a window. My teaching job is winding down for the summer. I'm about to begin summer school.
Summer school is awesome. I teach for 6 hours a day, bike to work, get a few hefty paychecks, and get to hang out and play guitar all day. It's a great gig!
Life is easier for me in the summer. So there's room, time-wise and emotionally, to focus on my health.
I want to change, but there's a voice in my head telling me I'm going to fuck it up.
Shut up, voice.