On Being Fat (a flashback)

Before this blog, I had another.  I wasn't as diligent at posting and it eventually just fell apart.  I did have some success.  I lost around 20 pounds and most of it stayed off.  I ran hard and ended up having trouble with my knees and feet.  I'd like to go back to running, but I can't until I get some more weight off so I don't put as much stress on my joints.

The first picture is what I looked like 21.5 pounds ago when I made the first entry in my old blog.  The second picture is what I look like now.

 313.2

291.7

I just stepped on my scale.  313.2.  This is the heaviest any scale has ever said I was.  I'm ready to change something.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  Every day I grow more and more frustrated with my weight. 

I'm sick of my stomach touching the table when I get into a booth at a restaurant.  I'm sick of dreading going shopping for fear that I'll need to move up a pants size.  I'm sick of having to stretch out a tshirt after I put it on.  I'm sick of no longer being able to wear my favorite tshirts because my belly hangs out the bottom and the fabric is stretched tight showcasing my love handles.  I'm sick of being compared to fat celebrities.  For a while it was Mikey from Orange County Chopper, then it was Hurley from Lost, most recently it was John Goodman.  Christ, I'm being compared with John Goodman.

I'm finding myself hyper-aware of certain things.  Namely, my eating habits in public.  I feel like people expect me to eat too much so I have to be careful what I consume in front of others.  I always feel like the weird, fat guy in any social situation.  I feel like I have to be funnier and smarter than everyone around me to make up for my grotesque body.  My fiancee claims my weight doesn't bother her, but she's worried about my health.

The real clincher for me is I want to wear a regular vest at my wedding.  I think tuxedo bibs are the most ridiculous looking thing on the planet but the people at the Men's Wearhouse told me they didn't have a vest small enough.  That's it.  Something needs to change. 

I've had problems with sticking to weight loss plans in the past.  It might be because I have ADD.  It might be because I was in a transitional place in my life.  It might be because I wasn't ready.  It might be because I use food as a crutch to deal with stress.  It might be because I made excuses about exercise.

Whatever it is or was, it's going to change right now.  I figure blogging about my journey might make this time the time I actually lose the weight.

Well, I didn't lose all the weight.  But over 20 pounds is nothing to shake a stick at.  This time, I feel like my goals are more firmly laid out and I'm a little wiser.  I notice a difference in the pictures, though not as much as I want (I wish I had stood sideways as well because I feel like that would show the most loss).  My fiancee is now my wife and even though I still had to wear a stupid looking bib instead of a vest, I don't regret any of the running I did.  I'm not as self-conscious as I was when I wrote this.  I think a big part of this is that I'm doing something about my weight.  Let's see where I go next.