Here I Am Again

Sigh...

 I'm back where I started. 312 pounds.

I'm feeling thoroughly defeated. My wife and I had a talk last night. She's worried about my health. It's been on my mind a lot lately as well.

 I don't want to die young.   I don't want to have to spend a good chunk of my life dealing with complications from obesity.  I don't want to pass on my relationship with food to my daughter. So, reluctantly, here I am again. Trying to reflect on how to change for the better.

I don't have a plan yet, other than trying to write here from time to time.   I'm trying to keep my health in the front of my mind.  Looking back, I had so many times where I felt so committed.  I don't feel committed now.   I feel like shit.  I'm not hopeful, I'm not happy, I'm feeling absolutely worn down.

However (you were waiting for that, weren't you?), I have a window.  My teaching job is winding down for the summer.  I'm about to begin summer school.

Summer school is awesome. I teach for 6 hours a day, bike to work, get a few hefty paychecks, and get to hang out and play guitar all day.   It's a great gig!  Life is easier for me in the summer.  So there's room, time-wise and emotionally, to focus on my health.

 I want to change, but there's a voice in my head telling me I'm going to fuck it up.  Shut up, voice.

Cycles

A lot of cycles are negative.  After losing a bunch of weight a few years ago I stalled hard and got frustrated.  I started not caring about what I ate so I felt crappy.  I felt crappy so I didn't want to exercise.  I didn't exercise so I felt crappier.  I tried to eat my way out of feeling crappy.  Rinse, lather repeat.

But negative cycles can be broken and cycles can be positive.  I started exercising again.  I feel proud of my slow run so I control what I eat one day for dinner.  I feel a little more spring in my step so I go for another run.  I weigh myself and I've lost a couple pounds.  I'm more optimistic and motivated.  I order a salad instead of a burger when I go out.  I go for another run.  I have more energy.  I start noticing a positive change in my appearance.  And it keeps building.

You can turn your negative cycle positive.  Start with something small and work up.  Be proud of everything you accomplish.   First steps are hard, but each one you take is a foundation for a positive cycle.  

Couch to 5k

I'm giving couch to 5k another shot and I have to say, at week 2, run 2, I finally feel like I'm running instead of trotting.

90 seconds still feels like a long time when I'm running, it's hard to push the last ten seconds, especially when I don't know where they are.  It was definitely easier than it was a couple days ago when I did week 2 day 1.

Moving this big body is not easy, but I'm getting better at it.

Do you Haiku?

Bacon for dinner
Now I'm going for a run
That's all for today.

Monday Weigh-In

Hi All,

I've had a busy week and last week I was feeling frustrated with the weigh-in.



I gained 2.5 pounds last week.  Ugh.  Not a great way to restart a journey.

BUT...



This week I managed to lose 2.8 pounds!

So what did I manage to do right?

I ran several times.  Not as many as I would have liked, but I'm getting better at running.  Next run begins week two of Couch to 5k.

I've also been getting shit done this week.  I had my first week back with students (I'm a teacher if you're new to the blog).  Things are going pretty well, but it's tough getting back into the swing of things again.

I installed a ceiling fan in our nursery.  Also, the rat's nest of cables behind my entertainment center was bothering me.



So I fixed it by creating a false wall.



Yup, I wired that outlet myself.  Like a boss.

But most importantly, I captained the Starship Enterprise.



I did all of these things this week.  I am unstoppable.

Weigh-In

I put off writing this post for five days because I got frustrated.

I thought I was doing things right and was sure I would lose weigh.

But I gained a pound.  Last week was an anomaly.  I ate out a bunch and was very sedentary because I was very busy with work stuff.  This week has been a little different, I've been eating at home more, I exercised a couple times (which felt great).  and I've had a more regular work-day.  However, I can feel my appetite starting to come back.  I've got to watch out for that.

This weigh-in taught me that even though being on Concerta is controlling my appetite, I'm still not going to lose weight unless I work to buck my bad eating habits and get out and exercise on a regular basis.

I'm feeling less confident than I was last week, but as long as I take away the idea that my meds won't make me skinny by themselves and maintain the idea that I CAN make the changes I need, I'll be fine.

Here's to making changes!

I have not been eating well

This past week I've done remarkably little snacking.  I even forgot to eat lunch once this week.

I doubt tomorrow's weigh-in will show a loss.

Why?  Because I've eaten a lot this week.  I've not been exercising.  It boils down to me not having free time this week because of work and various other obligations.  But I have free time now.  So, internet, I'm going to get off my fat ass and go for a run.